heartbreak – The Dirty Truth

11/10/2021.

I wanted to cut myself today. Thinking of you sliding your fingers inside me, violating my body gives me nightmares. No one imagines getting sexually assaulted on the first date. It’s not something I openly talk about you know? It’s not something I’m proud of. The shame follows me in every relationship I’ve been in,…

It’s hard to be in a honest healthy relationship when your brain unravels itself sporadically without warning. And you struggle to learn how to date in a healthy way when you’ve never had a healthy partner. I’m really trying here. I’m truly trying to be a fucking person. But all I do is live as…

Thirsty.

Once I had a taste of intimacy, the feeling of curious hands spider walking my skin with soft fingers I swallowed it whole. I shoved it down my throat. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was until I felt a molecule taste on my tongue. I was hooked. Into a man that didn’t deserve me…

Just M.

I don’t know how to describe what it’s like to kiss him. He kisses me so soft, so gentle like he wants to cherish every single second of me. He’ll pause and look right in my eyes like I’m the most beautiful person he’s ever seen. He’ll wrap his arms around me and caress my…

Benign.

Sometimes I’ll trick myself into thinking I’m doing better. Sometimes I’ll be naive to believe I’m normal and thriving but I forget I’m merely in remission. The grief will cross its legs and sit benign inside my veins, coiling itself softly around my organs. It’ll sleep in the corners of my mind, waking up when…