Stop Settling for Fixer Uppers Who Aren’t Worth a Pretty Penny.

The dirty fucking truth about people is: it doesn’t matter how much you love them, care for them, or believe in them. If they don’t want to invest in themselves, and grow as an individual, nothing you do is going to fix them. They’re feral animals and even if you get them fixed, they’re still…

Nice Guys or Faux Guys?

The men with the sweetest personality always have the most bitter motives, and it’s vile. I’d rather deal with a blatant asshole, than the stress from a faux nice guy. Men wonder why women typically go for the men who are assholes. They’re honest with who they are, and their intentions. At the very least…

Feb. 15 2021.

You knew ignoring me was going to hurt me. In that moment you chose to hurt me anyway. You decided it wasn’t worth acknowledging my existence anymore. You didn’t choose me. And while I don’t wish you ill will I have no interest in being associated with someone like that. So I re applied my…

Situationships Are Trash & You Can’t Change My Fucking Mind.

Your body is a temple;  People need to earn the right to;  worship you the way you deserve I preach about this motto to all my girlfriends on a daily basis. I have a fucking Post-It reminder taped to my mirror in my bedroom. I stare at that stupid yellow piece of paper every fucking…

Day 30 of the Break Up

I made it! It’s been officially 30 days since I left you. And I feel I’ve become a whole different person. A person I’m so fucking proud of. People say to wait 30 days before initiating contact with an ex. To be honest, while I still care for you I have no intention of contacting…

Dating?

I’ve made a lot of progress with my self improvement, my attachment to other people, and my overall well being. Will I start dating again? Probably not. I love my freedom and I love living my life exactly how I want. I love where I’m at in life. Of course, there’s always room to improve…

Growth is Gonna Fucking Hurt You; That’s the Point.

The dirty truth is,  I have to do what’s  best for me & my  growth.  And what’s best for  me is to not fall into a  situationship trap with  someone I know there’s  no future with. Someone who I care  about deeply, who I’ll  grow feelings for & end  up hurting myself by my  own…

Dreaming.

I don’t dream of  you anymore. And  I don’t mean when  I’m sleeping. I mean  the dreams I would  cherish when I was  awake and drugged  by you.  I’d lay into the  crevices of my  mind, and wander  into the fantasy: the kids,  the house with the open kitchen,  the sunflower garden,  Dinners together,  the…

Self-Compassion Isn’t Supposed To Be This Fucking Hard.

I keep sabotaging myself. Yes, I should show myself compassion and all that fucking garbage but fuck I should know better by now. I need to stop giving my valuable time to people who definitely don’t deserve it. I keep preaching to remember your worth and don’t settle for less. Yet here I am, giving…

Waste of Time.

Tomorrow, I’ll hurt you with grace. Today, I feel like smothering you with a fucking pillow. I never want you to tell me you love me ever again. You’re a sorry excuse for a man. You hurt me for the last time. You made me cry myself to sleep way too many times. The mere…

Unbearable At Best.

On the shallow surface, I look fine. Fatigued, yes but I seem to be functioning quite well. Happy even, if placed in the right environment. I smile here and there.  Sometimes a laugh will  escape my mouth. On the outside I look like a normal, healthy individual.  But once you unwrap the layers, and dig into the depths of me, I’m no longer…

Feelings Are A Waste.

Feelings are fucking confusing. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel conflicted but yet here I am torn between falling in love with E, who’s a perfect sweetheart, or falling in love with the life I’ve built. I’ve built a home all by myself, I wonder what can he provide for me that I have…

Scraps.

I was so desperate for  love and acceptance I  was happy for any  scraps you would toss  my way.  I would scarf them  down my throat &  beg for more. I was  just happy someone  noticed me enough to pity me.  & that’s just fucking pathetic. 

Home.

I always thought that holding on tight to the people you love was the right thing to do. That you had to prove your loyalty and commitment by gripping onto the relationship so tight it left blisters on your hands. I thought you were supposed to cling on to the sheer hope that if you love them enough, or commit to them enough they’ll finally love you the way you…

Change is Supposed to Be Painful; That’s How You Fucking Grow.

I used to be so worried about losing you I didn’t realize I was losing myself in the process. I was so worried about losing you I even had the audacity to compromise my values and my life goals to appease you. I’m no longer giving up pieces of myself to make you whole. I mean wow! I really am a fucking dumbass; I…

Deja Vu is a Bitch.

I have to get this off my fucking chest because it eats me alive every fucking day and I’m fucking tired of it.  Our relationship is progressing the same exact way as last time so it’s hard not to feel fucking deja vu you know?  It’s been almost 3 amazing months together but I still…

Cowards Come in All Shapes & Sizes.

“…This isn’t something I’m going to work on. I am this way because its what works for me and to “work on it” is basically a nice way to suggest change. I’m not going to change who or how I am. I’ve already done that once in my life and it was a complete waste….

Hyper-Independence Isn’t Something to be Fucking Proud of.

“It’s better if I do it myself.”  I realized this morning that being too independent comes with its own term called, “hyper-independence” and trust me it’s not the greatest trait to have. It’s toxic as fuck and it’s actually a fucking trauma response. I’m sitting here drinking my coffee stunned that for years I was…

Anxiety is a bitch.

My anxiety has been sky high all day to the point I was vomiting on my way to work. It’s more than “being nervous” or feeling a little worried” It’s waking up crying every morning overthinking every worst case scenario in your head and your brain convincing you that no one loves you. It’s having…

Depression Doesn’t Have A Fucking Face.

When it comes to mental illness; one perception that sticks out to me is when people tell you, “You don’t look depressed.” Like depression comes with a common fucking face. You can look like you have it all together and still contemplate ending your life. Depression doesn’t have a set “look”. You just never know…

Mental illness.

Dear Diary, I wake up wanting to die everyday. Right now I’m deep in my head and I’m in a really dark place. I’m spiraling into a dark hole into my self and everyday I wish I was dead because I feel I have no value as a human being lmao. Everyday I struggle to…

Progress.

When I left my ex boyfriend in August I was fucking 87 pounds. I was sick, I looked unhealthy and I was in the worst shape of my life. I used to be scared to eat, I’d have to walk on egg shells, I’d have to beg for the bare minimum, and I couldn’t even…

Coping Mechanisms.

I always thought that you were supposed to feel like shit after sex. That you were supposed to hate yourself to the point of cutting up your arms just to forget the sick act you’ve performed on camera, on video, in front of an audience. Exhibitionist. I thought that’s how you know if people like…

Friendship.

I don’t want to be your fucking friend. I dont want to feel the obligation that I have to let you back in my life. Nothing good ever came from our relationship except regret, emotional abuse and the gray hairs I couldn’t afford to have. I’m finally in a place mentally where I can drive…

The Reason.

You especially don’t give a shit about me What’s more important? Partying with your friends or me? This, I hate to say it, is on you. I’ve done nothing but love you and you couldn’t even try. YOU are the reason I drink.  YOU are the reason I want  nothing more than to die every …

Fuck self harm.

I get asked all the time if I’ll ever cover up my scars and the answer is always the same. No. I don’t want to cover my battle wounds because they define me. They remind me how far I’ve come and the progress I’ve made. I survived a lot of shit and these scars prove…

Life Lessons.

Love is not all you need: 1. You need mutual respect  2. You need support  3. You need trust  4. You need boundaries  5. You need your partner to be there when it matters 6. You need space to grow & the acceptance when you do  7. You need a partner to show their love…

Closure.

When I first met you I truly believed you were the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. While you can be loving, supportive and caring; you can also be self centered, inconsiderate and lack empathy in the same breath. While I hoped you would be the right partner for…

.001%

Spreading my legs used to be so fucking  easy that my friends expect it, that it’s  become my typical behavior.  So tell me why the thought of intimacy  and sex and just having someone else looking  at me naked freaks me the fuck out to where  I couldn’t even enjoy it. I can have the…

Loaded Gun.

Letting someone get close to you is  giving them a loaded gun. It’s only a  matter of time before they shoot you  with it, leaving you with a gun shot  wound right in your fucking chest.  They’ll sit there dumbfounded,  confused as to what’s happened.  They’ll hide the gun, run away and  leave you there…

My Reality.

Is feeling like I’m a normal fucking human being one moment and  thirty minutes later finding myself cutting my legs and arms while  sitting in a bathtub.  It’s forcing myself to not  overdose on my sleeping pills, to not open the second story window  and fly to the ground.  My reality is hiding my suicidal …

Selective Vision.

Do you ever feel like you’re  always the person who cries  because it’s fucking Tuesday  and you’re still breathing? When you’re in a room of people  and all you can feel instead of the  bottle of tequila you swallowed whole,  the feeling of how you’re a fucking  walking failure and everyone is laughing  you off?…

Grief.

The grief rips me apart and swallows  me whole. In one swift gulp it consumes  me and I’m gone. I’m fucking gone.  Sometimes when no one is  around I will reach into my  drawer and pull out your  pillowcase and I will cross my  legs on the bed and just hold  you in my arms…

Fuck Making My Bed.

I’ll stand over my bed my mind Like a fucking idiot pacing the side worrying about how I should make it before I leave for work. I stand there with tears filling my eyes, my hands shaking like an addict about how I need to please you before you find out I’m being a slob…

End Fucking Rant.

When you woke me up this morning at  7am to blow up at me over the soda can  I left in the bathroom I felt flabbergasted  and disgusted. Fucking disgusted.  Then you proceeded to go into detail  over everything I’ve done wrong and I  had to sit there and swallow every failure  I’ve done over…

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My Best Was Never Enough.

Every morning, I wake up and forget  just for a second that it happened. But  once my eyes open, it buries me like a  landslide of sharp, jagged rocks. Once  my eyes open, I’m heavy, like there’s too  much gravity on my heart.  I could be driving to work and all of a sudden my …

Forest Fire.

“Despite whatever happens between us just know you did nothing wrong. The only thing you did was be dedicated, and loving which is what makes you amazing.” Why don’t you shoot me in the fucking  face because that would have been way  less painful than hearing the person you  love tell you that they love…

Play Toys.

I’m not a person you can sample when you get an urge to taste something  besides your monotonous personality. you can’t savor the flavor of me in your  mouth just to fill your insatiable physical needs.  I really fucking hate when people toy  around with me like I’m an object to  keep them fucking entertained. …

2-27-2021

I think about you even when I don’t want to. I think about you and I hate myself for it. My heart stops in my throat when I see your name pop up on my phone. My chest gets tight and all the memories and pain of you flood to my brain like a bitch….