It’s OK To Be Fucked Up. – The Dirty Truth

11/10/2021.

I wanted to cut myself today. Thinking of you sliding your fingers inside me, violating my body gives me nightmares. No one imagines getting sexually assaulted on the first date. It’s not something I openly talk about you know? It’s not something I’m proud of. The shame follows me in every relationship I’ve been in,…

10.2.2021

Love is unconditional and forgiving. Love is patient. Your whole body can feel it; and thats okay. Falling in love fast isn’t a bad thing. Why should it be? Love can be serious; but also kind. Love is not a commitment except for itself. My love is unconditional but my self respect isn’t. My standards…

Mornings With You.

Benign.

Sometimes I’ll trick myself into thinking I’m doing better. Sometimes I’ll be naive to believe I’m normal and thriving but I forget I’m merely in remission. The grief will cross its legs and sit benign inside my veins, coiling itself softly around my organs. It’ll sleep in the corners of my mind, waking up when…

Tindel’s Razor Podcast with Guest Damn Danny.

I was recently a guest on Tindel’s Razor podcast last week. We discussed a variety of topics such as: relationships, mental health pitfalls, how to communicate with your partner more effectively. It’s episode #44 and you can listen on Apple Podcast & Spotify Check it out! I had quite a few laughs. Thanks for listening!…

Dear stranger.

Sometimes, I lay in bed twirling my hair from the thoughts of you slipping inside my mind. The way you wrap yourself around me from behind like a cocoon, the way you stare at me when the sun hits my eyes just right exposing my eye colors like a kaleidoscope, the way your mustache tickles…

Double Standards. Pt. 1

What drives me crazy about men is they under estimate the value of the women in her inner circle. A good girlfriend is forever. Once you find one, you don’t ever let them go. Decades mean nothing because at the end of the your girlfriend will always be more loyal than any fucking man. We…

Don’t Call Me Pretty.

People tell me I’m pretty. They compliment me on my island hair, my perfect tan skin, my smooth complexion, my long legs, my eye colors. I don’t like it when they compliment me because they don’t compliment me as a person. My value isn’t based on how nice my body looks, the new lipgloss I…

Mountains.

Some days you feel like you’ve moved mountains. And some days you feel like you’ve barely moved at all. That’s okay. Rome wasn’t built overnight; neither will you.

Superheros.

People either make fun of me, or place me on a pedestal like I’m their idol. I’m not an idol. I’m not a superhero you can worship. They forget superheroes need help too.

Love.

Everyone wants to tell me to “live your best life”, sleep around, have an active sex life, enjoy my freedom because I’ll only be young once. But I don’t think of myself as that kind of woman anymore. I want sex to mean something, to have value. I want love that’s honest. I want love…

3-16-21

What really grinds my gears is when men will feed you spoonfuls of bullshit excuses of why they can’t date you such as: “Oh, I have a lot going on with work.” “if only you could move here we could be together.” Or my personal favorite: “I’d rather see where this goes, but I’m down…

I’m told I’m too harsh, or I’m too cut throat when it comes to dating. But if you value your time like I do, you have to be mindful with who you choose to invest your time on. This is also why I have set myself a certain level of standards for myself and for…

I don’t know what the fuck to say.

I’ve been at a standstill lately, and usually have some form of advice or experience to offer. But lately, I’ve been depressed and journaling all my thoughts. I don’t know what to say. I just feel so fucking lost some days and I feel like a fucking failure. I felt sharing some journal entries might…

Loss No Matter How Small.

It’s okay to miss him. Loss comes in waves. A loss is a loss no matter how small. You might miss him today; but this too shall pass. It’s okay to miss someone you loved. Heartbreak is heartbreak. You can’t put a time on how you choose to heal. “If you were truly great together…

Stop Settling for Fixer Uppers Who Aren’t Worth a Pretty Penny.

The dirty fucking truth about people is: it doesn’t matter how much you love them, care for them, or believe in them. If they don’t want to invest in themselves, and grow as an individual, nothing you do is going to fix them. They’re feral animals and even if you get them fixed, they’re still…

Situationships Are Trash & You Can’t Change My Fucking Mind.

Your body is a temple; People need to earn the right to; worship you the way you deserve I preach about this motto to all my girlfriends on a daily basis. I have a fucking Post-It reminder taped to my mirror in my bedroom. I stare at that stupid yellow piece of paper every fucking…

Day 30 of the Break Up

I made it! It’s been officially 30 days since I left you. And I feel I’ve become a whole different person. A person I’m so fucking proud of. People say to wait 30 days before initiating contact with an ex. To be honest, while I still care for you I have no intention of contacting…

Dating?

I’ve made a lot of progress with my self improvement, my attachment to other people, and my overall well being. Will I start dating again? Probably not. I love my freedom and I love living my life exactly how I want. I love where I’m at in life. Of course, there’s always room to improve…

Growth is Gonna Fucking Hurt You; That’s the Point.

The dirty truth is, I have to do what’s best for me & my growth. And what’s best for me is to not fall into a situationship trap with someone I know there’s no future with. Someone who I care about deeply, who I’ll grow feelings for & end up hurting myself by my own…

Reminiscence.

Dreaming.

I don’t dream of you anymore. And I don’t mean when I’m sleeping. I mean the dreams I would cherish when I was awake and drugged by you. I’d lay into the crevices of my mind, and wander into the fantasy: the kids, the house with the open kitchen, the sunflower garden, Dinners together, the…

Self-Compassion Isn’t Supposed To Be This Fucking Hard.

I keep sabotaging myself. Yes, I should show myself compassion and all that fucking garbage but fuck I should know better by now. I need to stop giving my valuable time to people who definitely don’t deserve it. I keep preaching to remember your worth and don’t settle for less. I’m supposed to be dating…

Fire-Proof.

Unbearable At Best.

On the shallow surface, I look fine. Fatigued, yes but I seem to be functioning quite well. Happy even, if placed in the right environment. I smile here and there. Sometimes a laugh will escape my mouth. On the outside I look like a normal, healthy individual. But once you unwrap the layers, and dig into the depths of me, I’m no longer…

Feelings Are A Waste.

Feelings are fucking confusing. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel conflicted but yet here I am torn. I’ve built a home all by myself, I wonder what can he provide for me that I have already given myself? I don’t need reassurance, financial help, or even a partner really. so i wonder what exactly…

Life Lesson.

Scraps.

I was so desperate for love and acceptance I was happy for any scraps you would toss my way. I would scarf them down my throat & beg for more. I was just happy someone noticed me enough to pity me. & that’s just fucking pathetic.

Home.

I always thought that holding on tight to the people you love was the right thing to do. That you had to prove your loyalty and commitment by gripping onto the relationship so tight it left blisters on your hands. I thought you were supposed to cling on to the sheer hope that if you love them enough, or commit to them enough they’ll finally love you the way you…

Grace.

Change is Supposed to Be Painful; That’s How You Fucking Grow.

I used to be so worried about losing you I didn’t realize I was losing myself in the process. I was so worried about losing you I even had the audacity to compromise my values and my life goals to appease you. I’m no longer giving up pieces of myself to make you whole. I mean wow! I really am a fucking dumbass; I…

Deja Vu is a Bitch.

I have to get this off my fucking chest because it eats me alive every fucking day and I’m fucking tired of it. Our relationship is progressing the same exact way as last time so it’s hard not to feel fucking deja vu you know? It’s been almost 3 amazing months together but I still…

Cowards Come in All Shapes & Sizes.

“…This isn’t something I’m going to work on. I am this way because its what works for me and to “work on it” is basically a nice way to suggest change. I’m not going to change who or how I am. I’ve already done that once in my life and it was a complete waste….

Hyper-Independence Isn’t Something to be Fucking Proud of.

“It’s better if I do it myself.” “It’s fine; I’d rather do it alone.” “I don’t need your help.” “I can do this with or without you.” I realized this morning that being too independent comes with its own term called, “hyper-independence” and trust me it’s not the greatest trait to have. It’s toxic as…

Anxiety is a bitch.

My anxiety has been sky high all day to the point I was vomiting on my way to work. It’s more than “being nervous” or feeling a little worried” It’s waking up crying every morning overthinking every worst case scenario in your head and your brain convincing you that no one loves you. It’s having…

Depression Doesn’t Have A Fucking Face.

When it comes to mental illness; one perception that sticks out to me is when people tell you, “You don’t look depressed.” Like depression comes with a common fucking face. You can look like you have it all together and still contemplate ending your life. Depression doesn’t have a set “look”. You just never know…

Mental illness.

Dear Diary, I wake up wanting to die everyday. Right now I’m deep in my head and I’m in a really dark place. I’m spiraling into a dark hole into my self and everyday I wish I was dead because I feel I have no value as a human being lmao. Everyday I struggle to…

Progress.

When I left my ex boyfriend in August I was fucking 87 pounds. I was sick, I looked unhealthy and I was in the worst shape of my life. I used to be scared to eat, I’d have to walk on egg shells, I’d have to beg for the bare minimum, and I couldn’t even…

Coping Mechanisms.

I always thought that you were supposed to feel like shit after sex. That you were supposed to hate yourself to the point of cutting up your arms just to forget the sick act you’ve performed on camera, on video, in front of an audience. Exhibitionist. I thought that’s how you know if people like…

Friendship.

I don’t want to be your fucking friend. I dont want to feel the obligation that I have to let you back in my life. Nothing good ever came from our relationship except regret, emotional abuse and the gray hairs I couldn’t afford to have. I’m finally in a place mentally where I can drive…

Fuck Making My Bed.

I’ll stand over my bed my mind Like a fucking idiot pacing the side worrying about how I should make it before I leave for work. I stand there with tears filling my eyes, my hands shaking like an addict about how I need to please you before you find out I’m being a slob…

Forest Fire.

“Despite whatever happens between us just know you did nothing wrong. The only thing you did was be dedicated, and loving which is what makes you amazing.” Why don’t you shoot me in the fucking face because that would have been way less painful than hearing the person you love tell you that they love…

Happy Moments.

I wrote this after I left my ex boyfriend. I want people to know emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.

Melancholy.

I woke up in love but also wanting to die. Complete and utter disregard for my own life. My life is a melancholy drama and I’m tired. This is the dichotomy of life we must ride. I want to live? But death would be okay too.

Firework human.

People have described me as intense. Like a forest fire you can’t put out. I just spread myself all over, wrapping everyone with my warmth until they’re on fire with me too. A crowd of people living big. I’m just running around screaming “HELLO I AM HERE LET ME PULL YOU INTO MY GRAVITATIONAL PULL…

Champagne Bubbles.

“I want you to spin my ballerina feet around the dance floor sparkling with alcohol and sweat. I want to lean into the curves of your ear and whisper ‘I love you’ in a variety of different languages with my drunken tongue while you make me giggle champagne bubbles that spill out of my mouth…