The Dirty Truth

It’s hard to be in a honest healthy relationship when your brain unravels itself sporadically without warning.

And you struggle to learn how to date in a healthy way when you’ve never had a healthy partner.

I’m really trying here. I’m truly trying to be a fucking person. But all I do is live as a silhouette. A shadow of a being and people walk right through me like I’m not even there. Because no matter how much I try I’m never here. And I’m shaking my arms and screaming my lungs outside my body and no one is listening. Everyone’s laughing and I’m never laughing.

It’s not fair sometimes because I swear it seems that everyone I know looks crazier than me but they’re finding all sorts of people to accept them but when I have a bad day I’m told I’m too much.

Then I’m told to wait it out and they’ll find me. Well how long????

How long am I supposed to sit here and wait for someone to give a fuck about me?

And I sit here and cry and wonder maybe I’m too crazy for anyone to actually love me the way I love everyone else. And I just cry and cry and cry until I can’t feel anymore.

So then I get angry and shove everyone out. I get angry at myself for putting myself in a position where I hurt myself thinking good people exist.

People will bend over backwards and whisper pretty things to spread your legs but they’ll complain that you’re too much for asking for the bare minimum. They’ll whine like a fucking puppy who never got told no.

I sit here and wonder why the clock is ticking but the time isn’t moving. Because I’m stuck in the same emotional state I’ve always been in and I can’t crawl out. I struggle everyday to break this cycle but it’s harder than people think. It’s hard to let people love you. It’s hard to trust people when you can barely trust yourself.

Because as soon as someone shows an interest in you the cycle starts and you’re back in your own black hole. Rinse and repeat.