Self-Compassion Isn’t Supposed To Be This Fucking Hard.

I keep sabotaging myself. Yes, I should show myself compassion and all that fucking garbage but fuck I should know better by now. I need to stop giving my valuable time to people who definitely don’t deserve it. I keep preaching to remember your worth and don’t settle for less. Yet here I am, giving my all to a man who I’m not even in a committed relationship with. I’m supposed to be dating myself and I can’t stop thinking about his body on top of mine like some sex crazed teenager who was never loved as a kid.

They were out of Haagan-Dazs men at the store so I had to settle for store brand that was on sale. It’s not great but it’s better than nothing right? It’ll taste okay, it’s not exactly terrible. I mean fuck it gets the job done. I know I never liked store brand to begin with but let’s be honest; it was fucking convenient. Then one day the store restocked their shelves with Haagan-Dazs and I didn’t need to keep eating this shitty store brand anymore. He melted anyway and I ended up throwing him in the fucking garbage. I learned that I don’t need to settle for store brand people no matter how convenient they might be. I deserve Haagan-Dazs people and I shouldn’t settle for “Almost“. “Almost good enough” is never good enough for me because I’m a Haagan-Dazs person and I’m a god damn delight.

Don’t fucking judge me okay? Loneliness makes us all do terrible things. Rome wasn’t fucking built overnight. 

As much as I would love to say I’m all “whole and healed”, the dirty truth is I’m still dark and twisty. I still harbor insecurities, I’m still anxious in relationships and I still get attached way too fucking easy for someone who’s “healthy”. I need to learn how to develop healthy emotional attachments to people I’m in a relationship with. 

I always want to see the best in people and believe in them. I always want to believe if I love them enough, or support them enough, or wait long enough they’ll realize they can the person I’ve always known they could be and everything will work out perfectly. It’s no fucking secret that’s never worked in my favor. It didn’t work with my first marriage, and it definitely didn’t work with any of my exes. 

I keep giving people my time when I know damn well they can’t afford it. Then I wonder when its time to pay their bill they always end up short. I always act hurt and shocked even though they told me the entire time, they couldn’t afford the fucking bill in the first place. That wanted an appetizer and didn’t order a three course meal. They just wanted something to-go. They didn’t want to wait for a perfectly nice table. 

I need to stop giving all these fucking people chances to hurt me emotionally. It’s not even like they don’t show me the signs that they’re not shit people. I mean the flags are so fucking red, Jesus would have slapped me by now. 

I need to stop taking in strays

I need to stop accepting half ass

I need to stop giving my best to those who don’t deserve it

I need to stop settling for ordinary 

I’ve been so blinded by potential I forget to stop and look at the person today. It doesn’t matter who the fuck they can be 5 years from now, but rather who the person they are right now. Just because it feels right, and they check “most of the boxes” doesn’t mean they’re your person. Look at how they treat you today, how they communicate with you today, how they make you feel today. If that person would do nothing to change who they are, would you be satisfied? Because I know I fucking wouldn’t be. 

I knew I was wasting my time with you. I mean for fucks sake I knew damn well you couldn’t meet my bare minimum and yet I gave you my time anyway like a cheap whore. My intuition told me to stop fucking giving away my time to you. I ended up giving you free samples just so you could turn around and spit it out in the trash can.

You threw me a lifejacket with no air. You tried to drown me; good thing I taught myself how to swim.

If I realized this about my last relationship I would have ran away years ago. I would have saved myself years of heartbreak, wasted time and wasted investment. But I was so blinded by his potential of the extraordinary man he could be that I refused to accept the man he settled to be right now. I had to detox him out of my system and remember who the fuck I am. I’m no longer settling for half men, insecure men, toxic men. 

I am healthy;

I am wealthy;

I am rich;

I am that bitch. 

And I wish a man would fucking tell me otherwise.

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