Unbearable At Best.

On the shallow surface, I look fine. Fatigued, yes but I seem to be functioning quite well. Happy even, if placed in the right environment. I smile here and there.  Sometimes a laugh will  escape my mouth. On the outside I look like a normal, healthy individual. 

But once you unwrap the layers, and dig into the depths of me, I’m no longer a healthy girl with a happy go lucky persona, but a dark and twisty shadow of a person emerges who cries out to you every single night. I try my best to be whole without you; but life has been so hard to figure out since losing you. I feel I’ve been failing you at every turn. I feel half of me died alongside you. You taught me how to swim; but I’ve been drowning ever since you left me here. 

Every time I think I’m doing better, the grief creeps up on me like a shark. It circles me in the water, nibbling on my legs as I try to swim away from it all. I keep trying to stay above the surface, but the waves keep knocking me down. Eventually my arms get sore, and my legs get fatigued. My body wears down and soon my head slips under the water and the current fills my lungs. I’m swallowed whole by my own pain and sometimes, I can’t fucking stand it. 

It’s been such a struggle to close my eyes;I get so scared because I keep hearing your blood curdling screams in my sleep. I wake up with such torturous migraines, I pop pain pills just to drown myself out. Some days, I really can’t breathe without you. Some days, I really can’t live without you. 

Losing a sibling is hard; Losing your true person is unbearable. 

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