Feelings Are A Waste.

Feelings are fucking confusing. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel conflicted but yet here I am torn. I’ve built a home all by myself, I wonder what can he provide for me that I have already given myself?

I don’t need reassurance, financial help, or even a partner really. so i wonder what exactly am I doing here? And the dirty truth is I’m apprehensive a “One” even exists anymore. I feel if two people truly care about each other, they find a way to make the relationship work. I don’t feel like I’m ready to commit to anyone fully right now.

And to be absolutely honest, I fucking love being single. I love having the complete freedom to do whatever I please whenever the fuck I feel like doing it. I love all the free time I accrued for myself. I can finally do what I want to do and focus on my growth. I can focus 100% on my goals like:

Finish my book (finally!)

Work on my multiple writing projects

Focus on my yoga

All the hiking trips I want to do

Travel the world

Manage my blog

Spend more time with myself

Work on reading all the million books I’ve secretly been buying from Amazon

I don’t even like the idea of being tied down right now. and while I’ve made great progress I’m not entirely sure I’m even ready for another long term commitment.

The only long term commitment I’m interested in is myself and myself only. I honestly don’t have time for another person right now. I even considered online dating. Why? Who they fuck knows, maybe some sort of validation. Maybe because I’m not getting any younger and I want to search for a partner. Ugh gross After I made my profiles, I immediately regretted my decision. As soon as I realized I would have to have conversations with men I threw up a little in my mouth. Needless to say I deleted all my profiles and took a much needed nap instead.

People need to realize they’re not competing against another person. They’re competing with my peace, my confidence, my ambition. They’re competing with me, and that’s no small thing. It seems to be a challenge most can’t afford.

5 Comments Add yours

  1. Adam W says:

    You can do both. I’ve been single four years now (I mean a fling here and there but nothing serious) I’ve built an awesome life as well. At a certain point though, you need help. Not in a “you can’t do it” manner, but in a “you need someone to challenge you” manner. It’s definitely a fine line but having someone to call you out on your BS can help you grow. But can’t be a narcissist either.

    Honestly sounds like maybe you’re wasting his time as much as he’s wasting yours. Distance is hard. I’m stuck in Michigan because of divorce and kids. I feel your pain 😂. I’ve liked a few people but situationally just doesn’t work. Kind of numb to it all now. Realizing I’m selfish in that I want someone when I want someone and I want to be alone when I want to be alone 😂. Realizing I need work. Anyway. Enjoyed the blog. 🙂

    Ps, strange rabbit hole of “you may want to be friends with this person” led me here. Blame Facebook. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. themiamadison says:

      Yeah I care about him but I care about me too. And she’s pretty great. I use this as a platform to kind of organize my thoughts and get my feelings out there.

      You’re right I need someone who’s going to push me to be better, challenge me and call me out when needed. Plus the distance definitely isn’t ideal.

      I just focus on myself now because let’s face it. My life’s too hectic to commit to anyone but myself and I’m perfectly happy with that.

      Like

  2. Adam W says:

    I get it. I have kids, a career, gym, and I’m an introvert so sometimes fuck people. 😂. Nothing wrong with working on you. I just worry about limiting myself because of comfort zone. I need to grow 🙂 sorry, just relating.

    Like

    1. themiamadison says:

      I just rather be alone at this point than date anyone right now. The dating pool is slim at best and I’m sure I’m not missing much lol.

      Like

  3. baycityadam says:

    😂 well I can’t speak for your area but very slim here in small town Michigan lol. I’m exhausted with it as well. Enjoy being you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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