Feelings are fucking confusing. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel conflicted but yet here I am torn between falling in love with E, who’s a perfect sweetheart, or falling in love with the life I’ve built. I’ve built a home all by myself, I wonder what can he provide for me that I have already given myself?
I don’t need reassurance, financial help, or even a partner really. so i wonder what exactly am I doing here? And the dirty truth is I’m not sure he’s “The One” though I’m apprehensive a “One” even exists anymore. I feel if two people truly care about each other, they find a way to make the relationship work. I don’t feel like I’m ready to commit to anyone fully right now.
And to be absolutely honest, I fucking love being single. I love having the complete freedom to do whatever I please whenever the fuck I feel like doing it. I love all the free time I accrued for myself. I can finally do what I want to do and focus on my growth. I can focus 100% on my goals like:
Finish my book (finally!)
Work on my multiple writing projects
Focus on my yoga
All the hiking trips I want to do
Travel the world
Manage my blog
Spend more time with myself
Work on reading all the million books I’ve secretly been buying from Amazon
I don’t even like the idea of being tied down right now. But also, he makes me happy. But I just got out of a relationship and while I’ve made great progress I’m not entirely sure I’m even ready for another long term commitment. Actually, scratch that I know damn well a long term commitment is the last thing on my mind right now.
The only long term commitment I’m interested in is myself and myself only. I honestly don’t have time for another person right now. I even considered online dating. Why? Who they fuck knows, maybe some sort of validation. Maybe because I’m not getting any younger and I want to search for a partner. Maybe I wanted to see if I really am attractive enough for a date. Maybe I’m just fucking lonely and fuck it why the hell not. But that thinking is so gross. That way of thinking is so fucking easy to do, that’s why almost everyone does it. It’s comfortable, it doesn’t require much thought. As soon as I realized I would have to have conversations with men I threw up a little in my mouth. Needless to say I deleted all my profiles and took a much needed nap instead.
People need to realize they’re not competing against another person. They’re competing with my peace, my confidence, my ambition. They’re competing with me, and that’s no small thing. It seems to be a challenge most can’t afford.