Change is Supposed to Be Painful; That’s How You Fucking Grow.

I used to be so worried about losing you I didn’t realize I was losing myself in the process. I was so worried about losing you I even had the audacity to compromise my values and my life goals to appease you. I’m no longer giving up pieces of myself to make you whole. I mean wow! I really am a fucking dumbass; I literally sat here and gave up my life dream for a dude who can’t even pretend to give two fucks about me?

The same bitch who ignored me for 25 hours because he felt my last text was “unpleasant”,

The same bitch who then apologized by saying, “I’m sorry you thought I was ignoring you”,

The same bitch who gaslighted you whenever you tried to express your concerns.

The same bitch who would make you cry yourself to sleep at night.

The same bitch who had the audacity to say, “that’s just how I am”, when you asked him to communicate better when he’s stressed out.

The same bitch who was okay living an “okay” life and standing in the shadow of your success.

The same bitch who kept making the same mistake, then fighting with you on it, telling you its your fault they’re happening because you refuse to accept the fact he will never try to become a better man for you.

The same fucking bitch who never fucking deserved you.

That fucking bitch.

Shake my fucking head girl, you’re so fucking dumb. I know your momma raised you better than to accept trash.

The next man will meet my standards because I will not settle for the bare minimum anymore. You want to be my partner? Then you better be ready to meet me at my level or fall the fuck back. I don’t have the energy to carry anymore fucking dead weight. 

You couldn’t even climb up halfway to meet me to see the view I was admiring. You were so used to staring at the ground you forgot the sky existed. But you had the audacity to expect me to climb down to rock bottom because you weren’t good enough to meet me at the mountain. 

The next man that is interested in me I’ll ask him if he can afford my time because it’s not cheap. I no longer care for strays. I’m tired of bringing them home, caring for them, nurturing them. Then after a little while they’re still clawing the furniture, peeing on the carpet, ripping up my drapes. Eventually you have to realize some animals are just meant to be feral and its better for you to throw them back on the street where they belong.

I’m tired of playing house with men who are used to playing with dolls. I’m tired of men who just want a nice home to sleep in, a three course meal, and to reap all the work I’ve done. They don’t want to put in any real effort. They just want to look like they’re a nice guy when really they’re not shit men. And they need to take a cold shower because they fucking reek.

I’m addicted to the way you hurt;  the way you fucking contradict me

I can’t even be your fucking friend ever again. I’m so fucking tired of you holding me back on my own damn growth. I’m tired of allowing you to fuck up my head without lube. I’m over it. The last time I attempted friendship with you I became so desperate for any piece of you I was grateful for the scraps you would throw in my general direction. 

Pathetic. I didn’t realize my mom raised a bitch.

Now I know better and I know I deserve better. You won’t see me on my fucking knees unless I choose to be there. You wont see me begging a man to notice me. If you can’t meet my bare minimum standards in a romantic relationship, you are no longer allowed to be in my circle. Even if we tried to be friends, we already established it wouldn’t benefit me because all I would see is 6’3 of wasted potential and its absolutely vile to look at.

I can’t climb my way to the peak of the mountain if my circle is content with eating dirt at the bottom. That’s just dead weight and I can’t keep drowning myself to save them. Eventually I’ll have to cut the rope and let them drown to save myself. I spent a lot of time saving myself. I don’t have that kind of time to save another person. I can’t watch someone throw away their potential. 

If he’s never going to meet my standards he’s never going to be good enough for me. I may love him and care for him but love isn’t enough to keep a relationship. He may have done the best he could, but ultimately his best wasn’t good enough. He didnt even bother trying to save the relationship. If anything he poured the accelerant under the bridge and threw the match and watched me burn to the ground. 

Change is supposed to be painful; that’s how you truly grow

I need to cut myself off the drug supply and bury this relationship in the graveyard because it’s fucking dead. The decision to leave you was actually quite easy at the time because you made it easy. If they’re not helping your growth, they don’t deserve your future. Time means nothing when you refuse to be the partner I deserve. 

Being hyper-independent kicks in during these situations because it shows me the only person I can truly depend on is me. You acted like what I was asking of you was completely unreasonable. If you want to leave that bad then go because I never needed you to begin with. I was fine before we got together and I’ll be fine when you leave. 

You knew what you were risking and he felt it was worth losing me over. If you truly loved me like he swore he did, he would have done whatever it took to keep me because he would have felt his life was better with me in it and I was worth fighting for. All you did was show me I wasn’t worth shit to you and what’s sickening is that you didn’t even try to hide it. I can’t keep holding on to a man who think it’s acceptable to treat me like that. 

Oh baby girl you did your best but he wasn’t ready. 

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