Hyper-Independence Isn’t Something to be Fucking Proud of.

“It’s better if I do it myself.” 

I realized this morning that being too independent comes with its own term called, “hyper-independence” and trust me it’s not the greatest trait to have. It’s toxic as fuck and it’s actually a fucking trauma response. I’m sitting here drinking my coffee stunned that for years I was so proud of how independent I’ve become that I didn’t need anyone’s help when in reality its a response to severe trust issues and it’s nothing to be fucking proud of. 

At first I refused to admit I had trust issues. I mean for fucks sake I trust my partner of course. I trust him to not cheat on me, to treat me with respect and to make my coffee just the way I like it. I don’t trust him to stay with me at my ugliest moments when I’m crippled in bed from depression, to live together and build a life together, or be a family because I’ve never had a supportive partner before. I’ve never had someone truly love me the way I deserve to be loved and it shows.

But when it comes to romantic partners, I get scared to stay over their house too often, give them any level of responsibility, or even look at places together. Whenever my boyfriend suggests living together I do everything I can to shut the idea down. I don’t feel comfortable sleeping over for a period of time because in my mind, thats not my fucking home and we do not live together. I get nervous acting like we’re a family when he can wake up at any fucking moment and leave me. I get too scared to be honest with my feelings to him because I hate the feeling of having anyone see me so vulnerable and exposed. 

It is scary and instead of communicating that, I’ll remind him that I don’t need him or anyone for that matter, I don’t rely on anyone for help, I can do my life with or without you because I’m so accustomed to being let down, abandoned, and disappointed, I refuse to be vulnerable with another person in the high likelihood they damage me again. I’m so fucking tired of hearing people tell me, “We’re a team” or “I’ll never leave you” or the worst one “You’re worth the effort” just to fucking abandon you when the goings get tough that you end up adapting yourself to pick up the shattered pieces alone because you realize at the end of the day the only person you can rely on is yourself. People love to tell you how great you are until they realize you require a lot of work and no one wants to make a fucking effort. Anything more than the bare minimum is too much for them to handle. 

I’m constantly in survival mode and I lose a lot of sleep over my own thoughts. I can’t relax, I suffer from a continuous anxiety attack from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I get nauseous, my stomachs in knots, I’m vomiting, crippled in bed, I can’t sleep, I’m shaking with tremors, and my minds creating a fucking black hole I can’t escape from. I cry myself to sleep all the fucking time, creating a nightmare in my own fucking brain. My mind is prison and I’m sitting on death row.

I shut myself off from those who love me because I’m not sure if I’ll be able to handle another fucking disappointment. I’m so used to being let down by my partners I don’t even know how to handle a supportive person.  

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