I wake up wanting to die everyday.
Right now I’m deep in my head and I’m in a really dark place. I’m spiraling into a dark hole into my self and everyday I wish I was dead because I feel I have no value as a human being lmao. Everyday I struggle to function because I feel like an absolute failure in every aspect of my life because my brain tells me so.
I wake up fighting with my mind to not kill myself. This burden is heavy and it makes me feel like I’m being buried alive and I can feel the dirt filling up my lungs as I’m trying to crawl myself out of this dark hole I’ve fallen in but eventually I get tired, my body gets weak and I give up and let my disease consume my body because eventually I can’t take it anymore.
Between the grief, stress, and my mental illness Im tired.
It was really hard to tell you this. I didn’t want to say anything to you. Because it sucks suffering it but it’s worse to put that burden on someone else. I have a hard time opening up about how severe my mental illness can be because I get scared it’ll freak you out and decide I’m too much work. Then my first instinct is to isolate myself from everything and fall deeper into this black pit that i struggle to crawl out of.
I’m working on asking for help but it’s really hard because I feel like a burden and I don’t want to add more to anyone’s plate because I feel like I’m a stress. I’m doing my best. I couldn’t even mentally handle calling anyone because all I could do was cry and I felt really ashamed.
I feel like such a bad person because the world deserves someone who’s not sick. I don’t know why my boyfriend chooses me everyday. He’s so “proud to call me his” and all I wanna do is crawl in a grave and die there.