Closure.

When I first met you I truly believed you were the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. While you can be loving, supportive and caring; you can also be self centered, inconsiderate and lack empathy in the same breath. While I hoped you would be the right partner for me I feel so lonely in your company. 

Jaxon and I are a package deal. I ask you to communicate better when he’s in your care and you respond by telling me to “get a sitter I’m done” that not only shows that we’re not a team, but Jacky isn’t a priority to you. If we were truly a family like you assured me we would be that thought never would have crossed your mind. Words hurt and your actions over the last few months have really affected me. 

I was open and honest with you about me in the very beginning from my mental illness, being a single mom and my divorce. You had every chance to leave if you thought I was too much. 

I find it hurtful that you continually choose to attack me personally about my mental illness calling me a bad habit and how you have to deal with my mental illness instead of choosing to be supportive. My environment is a reflection of my mind. The worse my mental illness is the worse my environment will reflect it. It’s something I will suffer with for the rest of my life. While I have better coping mechanisms I will still have bad days. It was hurtful when you called me a slob instead of trying to empathize with me. It hurt my feelings when you dismissed my efforts of trying to clean up the house while depressed. 

“You have an attitude, you’re controlling, and you’re a slob.” You say I have an attitude which is true. I’m working in healthcare during a global pandemic. I’m watching people die in front of me, I’m witnessing patients I care about fight covid19 and not make it. I’ve lost loved ones, I’m working 70-80 hours a week, 8-12 days in a row, and sleeping less. I lost a close uncle and now I’m losing my twin brother at the same time. I’m 1000 miles away from home, and close friends and I’m depressed. It’s hard to stay positive and function when all I want to do is crawl in a bed and cry. 

I should know without a doubt that at my worst moments of my life, I can trust that my partner will be there to support me 100% and stand by my side. I should have complete trust that my partner will respect me, love me, and cherish me even on my worst days where I’m not the easiest to love. I need someone I can count on to support me and love me wholeheartedly especially on my worst days. Whenever I’ve needed you the most you’re not there. When my uncle died, I never said you couldn’t see your friends. I asked you to come home to me and you chose to spend the night with your friends instead. It made me feel like my emotional and physical health are low on your priority list. I’m never upset about you spending time with your friends. I get upset that you will make time for everyone else in your life except for me. You’ll take me off the back burner and give me your leftover attention and expect me to feel grateful. I do not feel like a priority to you. The fact that you still think I get upset when you see your friends shows you haven’t listened to me at all for the last 6 months. 

I feel less than when you offer to help me then throw it in my face later in arguments. You’ll say hurtful things such as 

“i allowed you to sleep in” 

“I took care of Jacky for you” 

“I finished the laundry because you didn’t”; 

“I get frustrated when you say you don’t feel loved when I try to give you affection and you turn me down so it’s your fault you don’t feel loved because I’m trying.”

“I’m sorry your uncle died but I need to go out for me.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and didn’t come home but I’m here now you can’t keep holding it against me”

“I’m sorry your friend died but I already made these plans with my friends to come over” 

“You use your medication and depression as an excuse to not clean. I’m tired of you using it as a crutch.”

“If you really cared about Jacky you would have asked where we were going.” 

I feel invalidated when you choose to get defensive instead of actually listening to me when we’re arguing. You continually choose to exhibit poor communication habits and in turn erupt at me when you’re frustrated. I tell you to communicate when I do something you don’t like because I can’t take accountability for my actions if I don’t know they’re affecting you. I can’t tolerate any person thinking it’s appropriate to yell at me instead of communicating in an open and honest way. I can’t keep accepting your apologies without the changed behavior. I expressed to you on multiple occasions that yelling at me is a dealbreaker. I cannot tolerate this behavior and let my son be raised in that environment again. 

Whatever goal or dream you chose to pursue I would have stayed by your side and supported you 150%. I would have done anything for you because I truly believed in you and I always had your best interest in mind. Every decision I made these last 8 months I made with everyone’s best interest in mind. Not Jacky and I. All of us. I’m not perfect by any means but at the end of the day I was doing my absolute best to love you and support you. I may not have always gotten it right but my intentions were genuine. 

I envisioned my future with you. I was hoping you would be my future life partner, my life long best friend. I was praying I would one day call you my husband. I used to fall asleep imagining our house, the kids and waking up to you every morning. I used to dream of kissing you awake and running my hands through your hair. Now I’m dreaming of waking up alone and the possibility of never having more children. 

Even at our absolute worst moments i never considered leaving you. I stuck by your side without question because I had faith we were meant to be together and god had a plan for us. and All i wanted was the same respect. 

Relationships all have ups and downs, but “downs” should not be insulting your partner about their mental illness. Relationships take work but dating isn’t supposed to be this hard.

I cry at night sometimes because i think about how you promised a family weekend getaway for us. You can’t promise a family weekend when we were never a family to begin with. 

I will always cherish you, love you and care for you immensely. But at the end of the day I have to do what’s best for Jacky and I. You have so many great qualities but they don’t outweigh the bad anymore. While I love you to death, you’re not good for me. You’re a great person but you’re not a great partner. If it’s meant to be it’ll be.

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