Is feeling like I’m a normal fucking
human being one moment and
thirty minutes later finding myself
cutting my legs and arms while
sitting in a bathtub.
It’s forcing myself to not
overdose on my sleeping pills,
to not open the second story window
and fly to the ground.
My reality is hiding my suicidal
thoughts with tequila and
lots of irresponsible sex.
Spreading my legs so I
don’t have to spread open
my knife against my fucking throat.
It’s wearing a sweater in 85 degree
weather because my arms are covered
in fresh gashes because no one wants
to see that shit. No one wants to deal
with the harsh reality. No one wants
to deal with real life problems.
Maybe I just wanted to feel
something other than pain for once;
to feel something other than the
memories of my ex violently raping
me 8-10 times a day, or choking
me so hard I developed a fucked
up fetish of wanting to die while
having sex because that’s the
kind of shit I’m into.
As fucked up as I sound,
I love the feeling of the
blade being dragged against my
skin, leaving a trail of blood
to run down my legs.
As fucked up as it sounds,
I love how it lets me escape
Escape the memories.
Escape my suicidal thoughts.
To just feel something.
Anything. Just fucking anything.
To make the pain disappear for
once in my god damn life.
To feel fucking normal.
To not feel like a walking zombie.
Who knew being normal could be so fucking difficult.