The grief rips me apart and swallows
me whole. In one swift gulp it consumes
me and I’m gone. I’m fucking gone.
Sometimes when no one is
around I will reach into my
drawer and pull out your
pillowcase and I will cross my
legs on the bed and just hold
you in my arms and break my heart.
And I’m crying and crying and fucking
crying because I know deep down you
really are gone but my mind refuses to
believe it. I feel so lost without you and
most days I can barely even function.
I lash out by yelling, or fucking
screaming and crying to everyone
around me and then I cry some more
because it’s not like me to be so cruel.
I miss you every single fucking day and
while it’s only been 33 days I’m not doing
okay. You truly were my soulmate, my
North star, you were everything to me
and I really can’t believe you left me.
I’m so sorry I left home. I’m so sorry I
barely visited. As your big sister it’s
supposed to be my job to protect you and
be there for you. I wish there’s a way I can
take the pain.
Life has been a nightmare without
you and I’m so scared I’ll never be
the same person ever again.