The grief rips me apart and swallows 

me whole. In one swift gulp it consumes 

me and I’m gone. I’m fucking gone. 

Sometimes when no one is 

around I will reach into my 

drawer and pull out your 

pillowcase and I will cross my 

legs on the bed and just hold 

you in my arms and break my heart. 

And I’m crying and crying and fucking 

crying because I know deep down you 

really are gone but my mind refuses to 

believe it. I feel so lost without you and 

most days I can barely even function. 

I lash out by yelling, or fucking 

screaming and crying to everyone 

around me and then I cry some more 

because it’s not like me to be so cruel. 

I miss you every single fucking day and 

while it’s only been 33 days I’m not doing 

okay. You truly were my soulmate, my 

North star, you were everything to me 

and I really can’t believe you left me. 

I’m so sorry I left home. I’m so sorry I 

barely visited. As your big sister it’s 

supposed to be my job to protect you and 

be there for you. I wish there’s a way I can 

take the pain. 

Life has been a nightmare without 

you and I’m so scared I’ll never be 

the same person ever again.