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When you woke me up this morning at
7am to blow up at me over the soda can
I left in the bathroom I felt flabbergasted
and disgusted. Fucking disgusted.
Then you proceeded to go into detail
over everything I’ve done wrong and I
had to sit there and swallow every failure
I’ve done over the last few weeks. It felt like
a bomb fell in my lap and it blew my body
parts all over the room. Then you tried to
be sweet, and soften the blow by slowly
pushing the hair behind my ear and I got
sick and choked back tears. Thats why I
got up and ran out the room. Coming to
me like that triggers a lot of trauma that
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even handle
being near you. It made me sick. I felt
claustrophobic. I felt the walls closing in
and I was losing my mind. It made me
want to pack a bag and get as far away
from you as I possibly could. You get upset
when I leave dishes in the sink or the bed
isn’t made in the morning. Even though I’ve
been making an effort to do better it seems
its not good enough and i’m not good enough.
Then to know Jacky was awake for an indefinite
amount of time and you couldn’t even bother
feeding him because he’s “my” responsibility
was shitty of you. GARBAGE. You wanted us
both to move in. Not me. Not Jacky. Both of us.
You promised me since the beginning we’re a
team and assured me we would be a family and
lately I haven’t seen anything like that. I haven’t
gotten any of that from you. Like you know he’s
awake bur you couldn’t even bother to make sure
he used the bathroom? Or make sure he ate
breakfast? You had to really wake me up for that?
You couldn’t even be bothered to help out? Oh
right but he’s my responsibility but were a “team”
thats right. That makes total sense. You hate how
messy I am like I trash the house. You hate picking
up after me yet you don’t voice your concerns.
You wait until its boiling over and then you
blow up. You don’t tell me all the time. You “told”
me once. You instead chastise me until i’m crying
my eyes out, and then i’m too scared to leave the
bed because i’m too scared ill make a mess again
and you’ll come at me again. If me leaving dishes in
the sink or forgetting to throw away my coke can is
going to be a dealbreaker for you then we’re better
off not being together. I’m now scared to even touch
anything in the house because i’m scared i’m not
good enough and i’ll make a mess and ill get yelled
at again and I cant handle being chastised on a daily
basis. I’m more than happy to come up with a
reasonable compromise that will work for us both
but I’m not going to be with someone who can’t
handle me for me. Adjusting my habits are fine.
Changing who I am as a person because you
can’t handle me being messy is unacceptable.
You’re a fucking dick. You’re such a good man so
this hurts me a lot because I believe in us so much
and I have so much faith for us and you keep shitting
on us over and over again. I’m tired of coming home
and stepping in dog shit. This has got to stop because
you’re out of your fucking mind if you think I’m going to
sacrifice my happiness for anyone else. Let’s also go back
to Section 3 Article 69: How you’ve barely touch me in
the last 6 weeks but you’re not ready to have that
conversation but surprise we’re having it now baby.
You may be happy with our sex life but i’m definitely not
satisfied. And I’ve said it more than once. You’re not a
fucking idiot so I dont know why you feel the need
to act like one. If I wanted to date an idiot I would go
after your fucking hot friends but here I am committed
to your bitch ass. I need more than sex once a fucking
week. I need more than a quickie once a week on
your terms. Im not even asking for an everyday thing
but you make me feel like you’re only having sex with
me out of obligation because you hear me complain
about it all the time. I get so fucking sad after we have
sex because I never know when i’m going to get it again.
I beg for it so much because i’m so deprived of intimacy
with you its pathetic. I crave intimacy of any kind so badly
I cry about it when I go to bed at night. Then you ask why
i’m crying and I can’t even talk to you because what good
has it done before? Oh right…..NOTHING. (claps hands in
an obnoxious way) I voice my concerns and you listen
but you don’t hear me. You tell me well babe I can’t fix
what I don’t know well what’s the fucking point when you
don’t fix it when I tell you? Why waste my fucking breath?
When you touch me it hurts because all I want is to be with
you and connect with you and I have to fucking beg my
boyfriend to give me the attention I need and he still doesn’t
do it. I can understand why your exes all cheated on you. Yet
you claim you had a healthy sex life with them but lies aside
why am I not fucking good enough? Why is it that your
girlfriends can toss you around and cheat on you but me
being messy is a god damn deal breaker? How is that fair?
You tell me how great I am and how lucky you are to have
me. But clearly it’s not enough. I’m not enough. How come
I’m never good enough? I’m tired of not being good enough
for anyone. I’m a good person. What the fuck is so wrong
with me?
You make me feel like a stray cat you took pity on instead
of a fucking human being you care about. If you forgot I
can clearly take care of myself. Im not the one who’s been
living with my parents for the last 2 years “saving for a house”
you’re saving for a house but you’ve only managed to save
$5,000 in two years? Boy stop. ”I helped you with money and
stuff” like really? You act like you have so many bills. Also was
that comment even necessary????? if were going on comments
lets go on how when I said i’m glad you don’t keep anything from
me like for example having AIDS or something (god forbid I make a joke)
and you had the fucking audacity to tell me “well if anyone would
have AIDS it would be you babe you were way more
promiscuous than me” WHY DID YOU EVEN HAVE
TO GO THERE.
LIKE TELL ME WHY BITCH WHY. WHAT WENT
THROUGH YOUR MIND? You sure as fuck weren’t
complaining about my sexual experience when I sucked
the soul out of your dick every week. Huh? No comment?
Fucking right. How do you think I got so good? By going to church?
Think I just prayed to God to grant me the ability to suck men
into another dimension? Boy fucking bye. You mentioned how
you’re not happy with how things have been lately when you
haven’t even realized I haven’t been happy for WEEKS. And
you barely notice me. I cut my hair. You don’t notice. I spend
over an hour getting ready for you for our first date in three
months and all you can say is “nice” NICE LIKE I JUST THREW
ON JEANS AND A TARGET SWEATER. I SHAVED MY LEGS
YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I WORE A FUCKING NICE DRESS AND
WORE PERFUME FOR YOU WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
AND YOU HAD THE AUDACITY TO WONDER WHY I WAS
CRYING OFF MY FUCKING MAKE UP. DON’T MAKE ME
GO TO JAIL BECAUSE JAIL IS LOOKING A LOT BETTER
THAN BEING WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. AT LEAST THEY
WONT YELL AT ME FOR LEAVING A SODA CAN ON THE
GOD DAMN FLOOR.
Lets not even bring up the fact you were on your phone
trying to make plans with your fucking friends for the
weekend while we were at dinner. But you know what
i’m not going to waste my energy right now. We’ll table
this for my next rant.
You make me feel like i’m not good enough.
You make me feel like no matter how hard I try i’m
never good enough for you. And I don’t like that
because i’m worthy of a lot and I have so much to give.
You don’t even realize how fucking lucky you are.
I hate to be cocky but I’m right. As far as partners go
you picked a pretty good one. You’re just a bitch.
“Sorry babe I can’t make love to you. I just ate and
feel a little bloated.” What’s next? You can’t fuck me
because you’re on your period? Your birth control made
you gain weight? What? Your hormones are making
you PMS again?
ALSO TELLING ME VERBALLY HOW MUCH YOU
LOVE ME IS NOT MY FUCKING LOVE LANGUAGE.
QUALITY TIME, ACTS OF SERVICE, AND PHYSICAL
TOUCH ARE. I TOLD YOU THIS NUMEROUS TIMES.
THE FACT I HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING MYSELF IS
PISSING ME OFF. WITH THAT SAID WHEN I SAY I
WANT QUALITY TIME I MEAN I WANT QUALITY TIME
I DO NOT MEAN I WANT TO SIT THERE AND WATCH
YOU GAME FOR THREE FUCKING HOURS ON POKEMON.
I WANT ONE ON ONE ATTENTION WITH YOU. NOT
WATCH YOU THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY.
It really sucks you know because my friends used to
be soooo jealous of us. They used to call us “goals”
and look to us for inspiration. Now they just sit there
and fucking pity me because they can’t believe you
turned out to be a bitch. I love you so much. I don’t
know what the fuck is going on but I really wish we
could fix it. I really don’t know how because your
communication sucks balls not to mention your
expectations of what you’re expecting from me
is completely unrealistic.
I love you. I love you. I love you. You’re my home
and i’ll travel to the end of the world for you. I’ll fight
for you and do everything I can to support you. But
you’ve made me so unhappy lately and now i’m living
with you. I’m trying to make this work but you’re making
it really hard to stay. Because I don’t fucking need this.
A relationship is to be earned. Not compromised for.