Every morning, I wake up and forget
just for a second that it happened. But
once my eyes open, it buries me like a
landslide of sharp, jagged rocks. Once
my eyes open, I’m heavy, like there’s too
much gravity on my heart.
I could be driving to work and all of a sudden my
hands are shaking, my stomachs in fucking knots
and my hearts racing out of my body. My mind
spirals deep into itself choking me out and it makes
me sick with a fucking migraine.
That’s why mental health is a fucking issue. No one
wants to talk about it or witness it. They want to be
supportive but don’t want it in their fucking faces.
I’m mentally ill that will never go away. My
environment is a reflection of my fucked up
mind. When my mind is a fucking mess my
environment suffers. Calling me a slob and
how my “bad habit of being messy won’t
work for you long term” is cruel.
I wanted to kill myself and you were yelling at
me for leaving Coke cans by the fucking sink,
not folding the laundry right away, not doing the
dishes every day. Everything has a place you kept
saying to me. Yeah this relationship has a place in a
fucking dumpster fire because I’m throwing everything out.
Dating you got so bad I had to pop Xanax four
times a fucking day just to handle you. My doctor
was concerned when he realized I had to be a
medicated zombie just to be around you.
I used to joke with you saying
you’re giving me gray hairs. Jokes on me because you
literally grayed my fucking hair from the stress
you put me through. As if I needed another damn
reminder why dating you was a fucking nightmare.
My depression made you uncomfortable. That wasn’t
a fucking secret. Good thing I wasn’t placed here for
your fucking comfort.
I have nothing nice to say to you except I never
needed you. I’m not some fucking stray cat you
had to rescue. You made me feel I can’t do
anything on my own and we all know thats a
crock of crap. So congratulations you won a
lifetime subscription to my fucking shit list.
Boys like you always wanna say dumb shit like
they want to build a future but really they want
to mold you into the person they want you to be.
Then they’ll have the fucking audacity to play the
victim when you finally had enough of their bullshit
and leave. I know exactly who needs to hear this:
Your idea of me is not my fucking responsibility to live up to.
You made me into a person I never recognized
and I hope to God I never see her again. I hope I
never see your fucking face because I’ll knock off
a few inches and make your ass a midget.
I’d rather be slapped across the fucking face then be told my best
wasn’t good enough for anyone ever again.
What a fucking day and it just started.
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This reminds me of my ex husband of having to control everyone and everything. He was a narcissist and yet I didn’t know he was. I knew he was mentally ill, and although the depression and anxiety were very real for him… unlike you…. he used it to his advantage to twist it back. I began to think something was wrong with me for 15 years I did…. it wasn’t me… it was him. This piece struck a chord with me and memories. I can feel that pain you endured. I’m so glad you finally got away from that because mentally you can heal. Lots of love and hugs sent your way!
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I’m glad posts like these help you. The whole reason I started this project was to show others they’re not alone, mental illness is scary, and abuse is fucking real whether they hit you or not. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work. I love you.