I’ll find pictures of us when we were happy and things were great. I remember posing with the camera (because you said you never take photos) and I cheerfully exclaimed look happy as you flashed a close mouthed smile at me. I have to remember those moments were short-lived because you typically ruined it within moments after the photo was taken. I was oblivious you were going to blow up at me but I was blissfully faithful to you.

Every time I think of him and the happy moments I make sure I remember the bad and relive them so I dont make the same mistake twice:

“He held me a lot which felt nice”

“He also withheld sex and intimacy from me as a punishment and manipulated me because I was too depressed to clean and he claimed I used my mental illness as a crutch to be lazy” 

“He can be very loving”

“He’s only loving to you when it fits his agenda”

“He’s supportive”

“He’s only supportive when its convenient for him. He’s always chosen himself over you when you needed him most.”

“He helps with Jacky and is really good with him.”

“He throws it in your face that he helps; gaslighted you into thinking you were overreacting when you asked to know where his location at all times. He even told you that his friends agreed you were overreacting.” 

“He would be really good in bed.”

“He only touched me out of pity.”

“He helps me out when I’m depressed.” 

“He helps you out just to throw it in your face and yell at you until you cry. He will throw a bomb of personal failures and deep-seeded shallow issues into your lap until pieces of your body are flown all over the room.”

“He will also chastise you for being depressed; make you feel guilty for leaving a soda can by the sink, not folding laundry right away, and call you a slob.”

He will tell you that your best isn’t enough for him. He’ll make you second guess every inch of your being.

On the surface he looks good. Attractive even; But if you dive just a few feet inside you’ll find the darkness. It’s scary when you start to drown in the depth.